Walking on Eggshells: My Husband is Extremely Defensive
I used to think we just had different ways of handling things—different personalities, you know? Everyone has disagreements in marriage, right? But over time, it became clear that this wasn’t just the normal ups and downs. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. No matter what I said or how carefully I tried to phrase things, it always seemed to turn into a fight. And not just a disagreement—a full-on argument where somehow, I ended up being blamed for everything.
I’d try to bring up something small, like how I was feeling disconnected or upset about something, and he’d get defensive right away. It was like I couldn’t say anything without him thinking I was criticizing him. “You’re just overreacting,” he’d say, or, “You’re always nitpicking.” And then it would flip into him telling me I was too demanding or too critical, as if the whole problem was me. After a while, I started believing it. Maybe I was the problem. Maybe I was asking too much.
I found myself second-guessing every little thing. If I suggested plans for the weekend, it would somehow turn into a debate about why my ideas were terrible. If I asked for help around the house, it became a fight about how I “don’t appreciate what he already does.” It was exhausting. I felt like I couldn’t even have a simple conversation without it spiraling into a blame game.
Then there were his moods. Some days, he’d be completely withdrawn, like he was living in his own world, totally disconnected. Other days, he’d snap at me over the smallest things—like a change in plans, or something I said that didn’t sit right with him. I never knew what would set him off. It was like living with a ticking time bomb, and it was wearing me down.
I started to wonder if there was something more going on. I started reading about adult autism when a friend of mine mentioned it, and at first, I thought, “No, that’s not it.” But a lot of it felt familiar. The way he would shut down emotionally, his need for routines, his sensory quirks—it all started to line up. But then there was this other side of him, the constant defensiveness and the way he’d argue about everything. It didn’t seem to fit the typical descriptions I’d read.
That’s when I came across something called Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). I had never even heard of it in adults before, but as I read about it, it was like someone had written down my life. The constant need to argue, the refusal to accept blame, the defensiveness that turned every conversation into a battle—it all clicked. And suddenly, I realized this wasn’t just about personality differences. It was something deeper.
At first, I felt relief—finally, something that explained why every conversation felt like a war zone. But then that relief turned into sadness. Because even if I had an explanation, it didn’t change how draining it all was. I was still the one left feeling blamed, feeling like I had to tiptoe around his moods, feeling… alone.
I tried to talk to him about it once. I gently brought up the idea that maybe there was more going on with how defensive he gets, that maybe we could figure it out together. It didn’t go well. He got angry, of course. Accused me of trying to fix him, or worse, make him feel like something was wrong with him. He shut the conversation down so fast, I didn’t even have time to explain what I meant. And just like that, we were back in the same old cycle—him blaming me, me sitting there feeling like I had done something wrong just by bringing it up.
That’s what it feels like being married to someone who’s so defensive all the time. It’s like you’re constantly hitting a wall, trying to have a real conversation, but never getting anywhere. I still love him, but it’s hard. Hard to feel like you’re the only one trying to make things better. Hard to feel like you’re always the one apologizing just to keep the peace.
So can this get better? Honestly, I don’t know. Knowing he might be on the spectrum explains a lot about why we struggle to connect emotionally. But the defensiveness? The constant need to fight or push back on everything? That’s a whole other layer that I’m not sure how to handle or if I even want to. Some days I feel hopeful, like maybe we can work through this if we both try. Other days, I’m just SO tired. Tired of trying to fix things, tired of constantly being blamed, tired of being silenced.
Right now, I’m focusing on standing up for myself more. It’s hard, though. When you’ve spent years in this kind of dynamic, it’s easy to lose yourself in it. I’m learning. Slowly. I’m finally realizing I don’t have to take all the blame, that it’s okay to want more, to expect more.
I love him, but I also know that love alone isn’t enough to make this work. There has to be effort on both sides. For now, I’m trying to take things day by day, reminding myself that it’s okay to want more, that it’s okay to set boundaries. I don’t have all the answers yet, but I do know one thing: I can’t keep walking on eggshells. I deserve more than just surviving in this marriage—I deserve to feel seen, and I’m finally learning to believe that.
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